I couldn't find it on the internet, so that meant it didn't exist yet

Transcript from the Oscars Opening:

Due to cutbacks, the Academy said they didn't have enough money for an opening number. Now, you know what? I'm gonna do one anyway. Yeah, because, you know, that's just the way I roll. Because, I stayed up all night in my garage, I put together my own tribute to all these films. Because in Hollywood, you don't need money. You can build a dream out of nothing.

Just a humble slumdog sitting in the chair of a millionaire.
What will I be holding in the end?
What's my final answer, is it written there, do I really care?
I'm only here so I can phone a friend!
(Hi Sarah Jessica)
and if I thought that I could find equivalence(?)
(Hi Kate)
I would swim a sea of human excrement!
And I begin my story with this sentiment
This slumdog millionaire just needs some Milk!

I'm talkin' about M, I, L, and K, I'm talking about milk! (Harvey Milk!)
I'm sayin' it's alright to be gay I'm Harvey Milk! (Milk, Milk!)
I'm recruitin' all the people 'cross the USA!
I"m talkin' bout Harvey on the griddle, Milk in the middle, give me just a little, just a little, give me just a little,

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Craigslist Dancers!

How come comic book movies never get nominated?
How can a billion dollars be unsophisticated?
Everyone went to see The Dark Knight
What am I doing, you think, is not right?
Is it my cape or my bullet-proof tights?
Maybe if I aged backwards?!

When I was four my back was sore and I had pubic hair.
I'm aging in reverse but no one seems to be aware.
You'd think the government would replicate my DNA?
Somebody notify the press before I fade away!
Did anyone think this case was curious?

Alright, I need some help for this one. Annie

Anne Hathaway: What?

Hugh: Annie, come and give me a hand

Anne: What? no!

Hugh: [unintelligible] Just trust me, relax

Anne: Hugh!

Hugh: Relax, relax, okay, just sit there, trust me. By the way, you look gorgeous.
Why didn't you burn the tapes?

A: I don't know what I'm supposed to say here

H: 18 minutes, all erased!

A: I mean, it's an honor, I just, would've loved a heads up

H: America deserves an apology

A: Frank Langella was sitting right next to me!

H: Stop your lies right now and tell the truth!

A: Do you really want to do this, Jackman?

H: It's Frost. Confess to me.

A: Why can't you let this be, give me my dignity

Both: Look what you've done to me!

A: You're a worthy adversary.

H: Why is your upper lip so sweaty?

A: Is it? I didn't--

H: Yes, but i like it

A: Mr. frost, I think I love you

H: Oh Nixon, you know I love you too! Anne Hathaway, thank you!

The Reader
I haven't seen The Reader.
I was gonna see it later but I fell behind.
My Batmobile took longer than I thought to design.
The Reader
I know I have to see The Reader
I even went down to the theater but there was a line,
A bunch of people watching Iron Man for the second time.

I am a wrestler.
I am alone.
My role is outcast.
My heart is bypassed.
And yet, i have grown.
From a slumdog with nothing,
I've milked my button.
I ironed all my men,
And frosted my Nixon!

'Cause I am Hugh Jackman!
And I've waited so long.
And no recession can stop my confession or silence my song!
These are the Oscars!
And this is my dream.
I am a slumdog!
I am a wrestler!
I'll rent the reader!
I'm WOLVERINE!